It is cooler outside, yet I’m too exhausted to enjoy it because I’m fighting back pain.
Everything seems harder. Making my bed. Fixing food to eat.
Get the trash taken out. Lean down to Ivy’s bowl to feed her.
I feel stripped down to the marrow. I know it is just a phase and this too shall pass. But it’s really beating me down right now.
My back is tight from my upper legs into my lower to mid-back. It’s never been like this and I don’t know what caused it.
Stretching Makes It Worse:
At first, I thought stretching was the answer. So I eased myself down to my yoga mat trying to not put pressure on my ankle. That just made it worse.
So then I thought what turned into a two-hour massage on Monday would help. It was only supposed to be for one hour.
But my whole body was so tight and tense that he gave me two hours for the price of one. And I gave him a good tip for having done so.
I hadn’t gone to see my chiropractor in over a year because it seemed too monumental a task. But that’s what I did yesterday.
After I walked down the hall to Dr. Riley’s office I hurt so much that they had to get a wheelchair to take me to my car.
But his services didn’t help either.
It’s scary to contemplate. Is this just the state of my life now?
Isn’t it strange how some malady will seep into our lives and take over?
I love my garden space, but it’s all I can do to get out there right now. I use the walker, but between my back hips, and ankle, I feel like I’m going to collapse.
But, I remind myself when I feel low, I managed to get things growing last spring. I got herbs to flourish and flowers to bloom.
Do you know how you make deals with yourself? I tell myself I’ll be fine with not going out if only the pain will ease up.
The Physical Therapist’s Goal:
The original goal of course was for me to walk to my car in the parking lot without wearing a walking boot.
It’s been 15 months and I still haven’t accomplished that yet.
Yesterday I was thinking that maybe I should write more about being disabled. Such as the post I wrote about fixing food when you have a hard time getting around.
I got to thinking of all the things I’ve had to figure out since I live alone and don’t have outside help.
What delivery services do I use? I ordered most of my garden plants via the mail last spring. Etc, etc.
Where Did My Energy & Excitement Go?
I look back to when I had so much energy and felt such excitement about life.
For now, it has me beat, I’m just gonna say.
It isn’t all that far away. Maybe 15-20 feet. But what it takes for me to get up, to get my back in alignment enough to move forward, just doesn’t seem worth it.
How did an 1150-square-foot apartment begin to feel so much bigger than it really is?
I think back to the days when I cleaned my own apartment. I enjoy cleaning, the very act of getting things picked up and wiped down.
The feeling of accomplishment. How the sink shines in the light coming through the window. The way your home smells after a good cleaning.
But there’s just no way I could manage it right now. Or at any time in the last two years.
Someone Jiggling The Door Knob:
About five in the morning one day last week I woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep. So I was in bed reading.
And I heard someone jiggle my door knob. I put my book down and listened closely. But it didn’t happen again.
The other night about midnight someone came to Lisa’s door. She looked through the window and saw a man. She told him he didn’t belong there and to go away. And after a bit, she said he left peacefully.
I’ve never been afraid to live alone. But it occurred to me, as things do when it’s dark outside: what would I do if someone broke in?
It’s not like I can run. I can barely walk. What would I do?
I remind myself that so many crimes are crimes of opportunity. A woman jogging after dark with earphones on. Shopping at night and walking alone to your car in an empty parking lot.
If someone attacks you, it is usually a crime of opportunity.
A crime of opportunity is a crime that is committed without planning. It’s when the perpetrator sees that they have the chance to commit the act at that moment and seizes it.
Such acts have little or no premeditation.
Is It More Disconcerting As You Age?
Maybe it’s just growing older. When I was growing up, I knew bad things happened. But it sure doesn’t seem like it was at the alarming rate it happens now.
I don’t even read the news because it’s rarely anything good. But let’s just take a little look at what’s been happening in Tulsa recently.
Well, there are many more homeless people living on the streets after the horrible storm we experienced in June. So many lost their homes and still don’t have any place to go.
A senior community was shut down and the residents were given 30 days to find a place to live. There’s surely not much in Tulsa in terms of senior housing. Where do they go?
Officers made quite the discovery during a traffic stop. They found a baggie of meth hidden inside a McDonald’s breakfast sandwich.
Imagine being an officer going home after a shift and telling their spouse that whopper.
Have the people in this world suddenly become afflicted with a big fat case of the crazies?